Now before I continue I will make this as clear as possible to those that don't understand the purpose of entries such as these. I am NOT suicidal anymore, I am NOT out to injure myself, and I am NOT merely writing this to depress the reader or myself, this is merely an observation, question and general thought that was in my mind tonight. Read into the question not the current state of my sanity, humans bearly know themselves let alone others so no need to worry, thankyou.
I have been thinking along the lines of the human condition as a whole lately. The way that humans are generally pack animals and operate from a utilitarian point of view (greatest good for the greatest number of people). The loss of a individual berely makes a ripple in the whole, most of the planet won't even know you exist even on the smallest stage. Your primary relations will of course "miss" you but in the long run even in that circle your name will be forgotten eventually or pushed back so far in the minds that you are almost forgotten.
This concept has always held a certain duality to it for me. On one hand I dispise most human contact ...well despise is a bit harsh but I resent it. Strictly for the self interest that humans interact upon, human relations are nothing more than a network of dependency and need in one respect (dont worry I know the upsides there coming so keep the pesimistic quarrelling till after). I resent it not for the way others proceed but the way I myself proceed, it troubles me how I get close to some people out of dependancy instead of true desire to be near that person. "I need you..." "stay with me" "dont leave me alone" we've all said it , we all both love and hate saying it. It shows vunerability and that need to be with other people. Loneliness is the human condition, even in the most close nit of relationships there still lays some hidden knowledge unshared, a lingering feeling of not being understood and the lack of understanding in your own actions. It's like having an invisible barrier that protects you from others and yourself. I know how destructive it can be for me to be left to my thoughts at times, they are lingering memories melding with hidden fears that I have yet to realise. A terrifying thought I must say.
However there is that hidden silver linning, forgive the cliche. The silver linning for me has always been, does it really matter? Does the fact that I myself will cease to exist today as the know form I now identify as me really honestly matter in the scope of my exists? the answer is simple, it does not. The reason it doesn't because like reality, definitions of worth are completely subjective and perspective based. If you ask someone if you matter you will get several different oppinions, well if they bother to truely answer the question honestly, and it's with those individual perspectives a whole is created. For instance , there is the life you live that you precieve, the life you live that your siblings preceive and the life you live your lover preceives and the life you live a stranger preceives. Neither are the true you nor the fake you because reality is comprised of all of these. The same principle applies to the concept of that life's worth. My life has worthe because I say it does and for as long as I exist that statement holds true for me. After I'm dead and dust , those that are left can conceive and precieve what they wish because I will not be here to dispute or care.
It's this conflict of opinnion within that creates myself I guess, the feeling of self assurance and the human condition to be part of the whole. This is just tonight's thought on the matter, a simple rambling of mental consciousness, I have much more refined thoughts on the matter but do not wish to portray them this moment. Ask you're own questions and see what stirs beneath ....
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